Good morning, everyone. Today’s post is going to be very raw and emotional. There will be talk of touchy subjects and religion. If you do not care to read anything of this nature, please feel free to skip today’s post. Thank you. -Chantelle

The devil knows what he’s doing. He pushes and pulls but again, don’t have to let him. He tried to separate us through me multiple times while my man was getting himself together enough to help build me. But something in me kept pulling and pushing back and now I see what he didn’t want me to get to. He doesn’t want me to let go of the past. It’s what keeps distancing us.That and my anger but it’s all connected. Enough on this topic for tonight, though.

I feel good. I feel the weight off my chest. I feel lighter. I gave my problems to God and I’m releasing them fully. He hasn’t failed me yet. I don’t have room for doubts right now, honestly. So, I won’t even waste my time with them.

Well...It’s 4:33am. I’m going to go to bed now but I just had to get today’s post out before I went to sleep. You know how you lose all the passion and momentum when you put things off too long? That’s me always. Please let me know if you gained anything from today’s post. Love

you all! And, I’m fine. Please, don’t worry. Just send your prayers my way when you have me on your mind. I need all the strength I can get right now. I won’t give up on this.

I didn’t know how or when to pray. I didn’t know how to talk to God. I thought I felt him multiple times. But tonight was something special. I prayed to God. He showed me how through the closest person to me. My husband. Yes, my husband. MY God fearing man showed me how to pray. He also showed me how to take scriptures and apply them to my daily life whether he realizes it or not. I went to God in a time that I needed the most support but felt I didn’t have any other option.

I was contemplating suicide tonight. My thoughts were

● “What is the point?”

● “It’s your fault.”

● “You put all the gears in motion by being naive and trusting.”

● “You can’t get out of this, Ayanna.”

● “You really can’t trust anyone.”

● “You don’t deserve the life you’re praying for anyway.”

I prayed that every thought of suicide left my mind and I promise you, I can’t even think about it anymore. It doesn’t even seem plausible for me to imagine. Suicide is not an option. Ever. But the Devil wanted me to believe it was.

Need help?

Click here to go back

But then... I took MY MAN’s advice and prayed. And I prayed hard. I laid it all out. I closed my eyes and shut everything out. I made my problems clear. I stated some changes I could make now to start my journey. I asked for strength and guidance. I commanded all negative energies out of my soul and my life. I prayed for protection and blessings for myself and everyone I know. I asked the Lord for the power to heal and be able to use that in my chosen career path. I’ve already known there was a plan for my life and I’m just stumbling through it almost blindly. There are little sneak peeks here and there but I know somebody is

looking out for me. My life has become pretty much “child proof”. “Fool proof, even”. I realized that I CAN give my problems to God and it will be taken care of as long as I believe and have faith. And I do. I thought I did before but it wasn’t enough. Because when he sat in front of me and showed me who he was and who he was influencing to better me and help me grow into the woman I need to be to receive the blessings I’ve been praying for, I ran. I got scared because I didn’t know! But not anymore.

The topic of Christianity, or any religion for that matter, makes me uncomfortable. There, I said it. It makes me nervous. Why? Because I don’t know about it. I can’t handle not knowing. I HAVE to know or it doesn't make sense and I don’t care for it. Religion has always had a minor importance to me because... I don’t want to go to Hell. But, there’s more to it than I thought.

A God fearing man can pour into a God fearing woman. Correct? Does this make her his servant? Does this make her less than him? Does this make her WEAK? No. It empowers her. I’ve looked for guidance in all the wrong places for almost all 19 years I’ve been on this planet. Men aren’t all dogs. But the ones not meant for you are. I got under the impression that if I was one of them, I won. I don’t have to play this game because I found the cheat code. WRONG. I’m still a woman at the end of the day. I’m still emotional. I still have a time of the month where I’m actually more emotional than not. I’m still feminine. I still have visions and goals and characteristics of a WOMAN. Now, please, do not get me wrong. The only time I have ever wished to be a boy is when Aunt Flo is visiting. (Too much? Sorry). But, I wanted a man’s drive to run through whoever whenever with no feelings because I was convinced that was the way it should be. I convinced myself that I didn’t deserve anything better than what I surrounded myself with. I was 100% wrong.

I’m fully in control of my life and my body. I do what I want. I feel what I want. I react how I want. I don’t have to let this trample me. I don’t have to let this make me sink. I can do whatever I put my mind to. My husband says we shouldn’t say we can’t anymore because we can. We just don’t want to. And he’s right. I let things happen but I don’t have to anymore. I can be in control.

I needed this piece in my life to help me see. I can see now. I’ve been just letting life happen and I blame and hurt everyone else in response. Life hurts but it doesn't have to kill me. It’s going to hurt. But, it’s not impossible. Anything is possible with God in my heart. I want to change to be the woman, mother, wife, daughter, niece, sister, friend, granddaughter, healer, etc, that I need to be. How can I bring a life into this world and don’t even understand the importance of my own? I have to fix that first. But I will. Why? Because I can’t be who I need to be for those who need me if I don’t.

I’m going to share a few truths to kickstart my journey. Nothing crazy. Just some truths.

● God has been preparing me mentally for children. I fully believe he's working on preparing me emotionally, physically, and financially. I have tossed out the “too soon” idea. Sorry. I still have aways to go but when the time is right, please believe, I will be more than ready. And so will my husband.

●I am a cry baby. I try not to act like I am but I am and that’s fine. I cried tonight. A lot.

● I blame myself or blame others for things at the wrong times.

● I want to be a sleep psychologist/dream interpreter.

● He’s not my husband, yet. But, he has husband qualities. I’ve never seen or felt that

before. Nobody’s ever successfully guided me to God but him, of all people, he did it!

● ^I never expected that. Not in my wildest dream. He might even make me WANT to tune

into church or maybe even go to church! (Slow ya roll, man. One step at a time.)

October 4, 2018