Where Am I?

Okay, I know I have been slacking but I’ve found a new angle. I haven’t really been motivated to do anything. I’ve let laziness overcome me. So, I have a goal and a point to prove. I will do my absolute hardest not to give up on it.

The point I’m trying to prove is that anything is possible if you have faith. I won’t bring religion into this but I will just say, you know where my faith and trust lies. I am going to do at least ONE thing a day to further push myself to be what I want to be while also learning things about myself and sharing the journey with you guys reading. I want to share my experiences and my journey. The entire month of December will be dedicated to learning something about me. I will share something I already know and I’ll dedicate some time to learn something new. I’ll also tell you where I am in life, too. Hopefully you can relate and be pushed to learning something about yourself, too. I will leave a poll or some way to interact with that day’s post to give you the chance to tell me about yourself as well. I feel compelled to share something today, though so this will just be an extra. Enjoy!!

One Thing I Learned About Myself

I love marijuana. Love it. I haven’t smoked in maybe.... 2-3 weeks. I know that isn’t a big accomplishment to most people but to me, it’s big. Lately, I’ve had the most persistent urges to smoke weed. When I say, I’ve cried... believe me. A few months ago, I used to smoke daily. Multiple times a day. At LEAST 5 blunts a day. I used to spend $60+/- every few days or so on weed. Do I miss it? Of freaking course. I miss it so much. But, I don’t have a job yet and I want one. I want a job to supply my habits and to take care of myself. I just moved to Tennessee so I’m still getting myself together. But, I know I need to be clean so I can be drug tested. I feel like I won’t need a drug test, though. Something tells me I’m going to have the opportunity I’ve been waiting for soon and that abstaining from marijuana is just a test of my self control... not a requirement. I could smoke and drink and do all the drugs I want right now. I could go to a friend’s house ad go bonkers but, nope. I won’t do it until my affairs are in order. God will reward me. It’s hard. It’s one of the most difficult things ever. But, it’ll be worth it and I’m proving that I have self control. I did start taking Melatonin and Benadryl for the unintended purpose of going to sleep and staying asleep but I’ve decided not to do that anymore. Partly because it doesn’t work and partly because I feel like it’s cheating. I don’t need those things. All I need is God and my journal. I can conquer anything.

Need help?

I actually have a favorite movie, director, actor, and musical artist. My favorite movie is House of 1000 Corpses by Rob Zombie. My favorite director is Rob Zombie. My favorite actor is Sheri Moon Zombie. My favorite musical artist is Nina Simone. I am beyonce excited that Rob Zombie has a movie coming out next year. I thought I would be stuck watching the 3 movies I always watch from him forever (House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil’s Rejects, and 31). I watched 2⁄3 last night and I plan on watching the third one today after I finish my blog post as a reward for doing this, lol.

Nina Simone is the greatest artist of all time. Better than Michael Jackson, Prince and Beyonce. Yup. I said it. BEYONCE. I feel every song... every note. I feel every single emotion she intended to be felt. I feel so connected to her and she isn’t even alive anymore which freaking sucks. She has helped me get through some tough times lately. She has made me feel less alone just from one 3 minute song. I can’t even listen to her music in public anymore because I have this weird OCD about singing her song perfectly. I have to sing every single note PERFECTLY or I have to start the whole song over and try again. And yes, it’s that serious. I will repeat the same 30 seconds of Feeling Good as many times as it takes until I get it perfect with no care in the world. And you cannot stop me. I can only imagine being high and listening to it. I can’t wait to be 25 , cleaning my house or cooking dinner with my little one running around waiting on my husband to get home and performing in my shorts and t-shirt like there’s a while audience in front of me. My kids will get tired of it but I don’t care. They will know GOOD music. There are more artists I would do that with but I’m most excited about Nina Simone. I will do every note justice. She will be thoroughly known about in my house. Thoroughly!!!!

November 30, 2018

One Thing I Know About Myself

Well, today, I have put my plan of “doing good without expecting good back” into action. Working without recognition. Doing the right thing because it’s right. I am done with doing people wrong because they’ve done me wrong. I am done with the childish tit for tat. I will do my part and let it be. Two lefts don’t make a right. Fighting fire with fire only makes a bigger fire. God will fix and remove what doesn’t need to be there. God will deal with people who do me wrong and I just have to leave it at that. I’m trying to grow and learn the right way to be. I knooooow this will be hard but hey... what isn’t?

I have a lot of pain and unresolved and really hidden anger in me. I have things I need to get over that I don’t even know about. I am in a lot of confusing situations but I’m trusting in God to lead me the right way. He’s taken care of me so far. He’s been answering my prayers. I’m rally putting all my faith into him at this point and I’m not looking back. I believe all my dreams and goals will be achieved soon enough.

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