I can’t be around people for too long. I don’t like it. People annoy me so easily. I enjoy being alone or being able to have someone there with me but they have to be an intimate partner. Someone I feel 100% comfortable with and can just relax and be myself around. If I wanna sit in my shorts and tank top upside down on my bed, I can. If I wanna smoke a little bit, I can. If I want to nap or stuff my face with snacks or anything of the sorts, I can. I need time like that to reboot and get myself together. I’ve noticed that I can give a few hours but when I try to push myself to give more or when I’m forced to... things don’t end well. Part of it is because I’m an empath to the fullest extent. I feel EVERYTHING from EVERYONE at all times. There is no magic shut off button. I read everything to smithereens. It becomes too much. I get anxious but my anxiety comes out as anger. Crowds aren’t my thing. Having friends also doesn’t work for me. Everything pisses me off. Everything makes me want to explode and murder everybody in my sight. (Yes, really.) And if I can’t get away in time, even when I get my space, I still feel like I’m in the situation that caused me to feel that way for hours. I wish I had like one of those silent chamber things in my house. Sometimes, that’s all I need to be useful to life and other people. Just a little silence and time to think and clear my brain.

Where Am I Now?

One Thing I Knew About Myself

One Thing I’ve Learned About Myself

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December 2, 2018

My self control is off. I can tell myself tondo something but I won’t do it. And it’s usually things that can help me be a better person but no. I can tell myself “Ayanna, don’t call him until he calls you so that he knows you’re serious and that your feelings matter in this situation.” But what do I go do? Call him up and ask can we talk. 😒 And I won’t beat myself up about it too badly... but I wish I could just listen to myself. Like, this new thing I’m trying to get myself to understand is that “I don’t care” = no. “It doesn’t matter” = no. Unless it’s an expressed “yes”, I’m not taking it as a yes because if you wanted to, you would. I shouldn’t have to make that decision for you. I end up feeling like I’m doing too much or smothering people because I know that I want something done or to do something and they may not. So, this is a test for me. Will I succeed? Will I get myself to follow this one simple rule I’ve provided for myself? Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z. I’m doing pretty good by posting daily on here. I told myself to stop being lazy and do it now. Like... literally maybe 15 minutes ago. And I did. So that’s a good step.

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Day 2

I have put my foot down but I’m not sure where it landed me. I’ve expressed my feelings clearly and also expressed that I’m not going for any bs. (I’m going to cut down on cursing because my mom reads these and I don’t need her having a heart attack. Respect your moms kids.) I will not be who I was in the past. But, I feel like that me is trying her hardest to resurface. I’m making good progress on being who I want to be in the future. I’m stepping out of my comfort zone and I’m giving more of myself without expecting rewards. I’ve noticed that when I don’t expect a reward for something, I feel better about it and I also still get a reward. I’m learning new domestic skills for myself and my future family. Also, to help or my current one.

Also, guns are a thing now? I really, really, really want to go to a gun range and just learn how to shoot all different types of guns. I’m not hard pressed to get any at the present but once I get my car, a license to conceal/carry, and probably my own place, best believe, I will be stocking the freak up. Not for show purposes. Not to flaunt. But, the world is dangerous nowadays. You can’t be too safe. I had a dream somebody broke into our house and hurt my mom last night and I spent a good hour just imagining what I should have done differently to stop that and how I would react in my waking life. I also had another dream that I got locked in a classroom with a teacher who I used to work with and that scared me as well because he was trying to hurt me. I’m also looking into knives for now. Just a few. Who knows? But, that’s all for today. Expect my posts to be later in the day instead of early in the morning. Thank you for reading!!