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December 3, 2018

I have a breaking point. And when I reach it, there’s nothing you can say to stop me. I am working on not punishing everyone for it. I’m trying to not shut down and shut everyone out. I’m not perfect but I’m working on it. For example, in the past, I would say I was going to do something then I would get upset or something would sour my mood and I wouldn’t do it anymore. Now, I still do it. If I said, I’d do it, I will. I’m trying more to keep my word.

But, back to the breaking point topic. I said what I said about not letting my mood keep me from doing what I said I would do because before, I would shut down and nobody could get in. I never thought I had a breaking point because it wasn’t like everyone else’s. My breaking point is scary to me because I go numb. Not in the “I can’t feel anything” way. I mean whatever feelings I felt that were hurting me or making me upset, I don’t feel them anymore. I can be happy. I can forget about it. I go numb. I don’t have to worry about it. Once I hit that stage, there is no more talking it out. There is no more “I just need you to understand...”. No. It’s too late for that. Whatever it was when I reached my breaking point, that’s what it always will be. I will let you believe whatever you want. I don’t have time to keep going back and forth because little does anyone that has caused me to reach that point know, I already know. Usually, people come back and admit that I was right. I don’t have to keep explaining because you’ll see in due time. You’ll see when it comes to you. Don’t worry about it.

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I know what I said today was probably all over the place and probably made no sense. My brain isn’t exactly willing to focus today. I have a lot on my mind. I can’t really explain what’s happening today but you’ll probably hear about it tomorrow after I’ve calmed my thoughts and find the words to express it... I know it was probably hard to keep up today but I appreciate anyone who has read this far for not giving up and trying to understand what is being said. Tomorrow will be better, trust me. But, I HAVE to post daily so that I can stay true to my word. (See what I did there? Full freaking circle! Real life application. I’m trying to grow grow, lol.)

Where Am I Now?

One Thing I Know About Myself

One Thing I Know About Myself

I was never taught the right way to be loved by a man. My family isn’t very intimate or hand-on, if that makes any sense. I grew up thinking a man shouldn't touch me because it meant things that it shouldn’t. No slight to my family. But, that’s how I thought. I never knew what was okay and what wasn’t. I don’t really like hugs. I don’t like being touched. Everything gets translated to sexual nature to me. Not saying I enjoy it. But, it makes me uncomfortable. I think my family meant well. But, I just don’t know what to mark as a red flag and what to think is okay. For a while, I figured any touching meant someone liked/loved me. During high school, any touching meant “he likes you.” I didn’t know how to not take it as that. I still don’t like hugs and being touched. Not because I think it’s sexual but just because it still makes me feel uncomfortable. Sorry.

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